


When Life Gives You Rocks, Throw Them At Its Face

by JayTDawgzone9999



Category: Dr. STONE (Anime), Dr. STONE (Manga), ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Crack, Amnesia, Crack, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Don't Try This At Home, F/M, Memory Loss, Multi, Multiple Universes, Multiple Universes Colliding, Multiverse, Not Serious, Paternity Tests, Volcanoes, don't take this seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:40:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21929872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayTDawgzone9999/pseuds/JayTDawgzone9999
Summary: While hunting one day, Tsukasa finds a strange artifact in the woods that changes the course of his life in a variety of ways, some more literal than others.
Relationships: Hokutouzai Minami/Shishiou Tsukasa, Shishiou Tsukasa/Homura (Dr. STONE), Shishiou Tsukasa/Nikki (Dr. STONE), Shishiou Tsukasa/Ogawa Yuzuriha, Shishiou Tsukasa/Other(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	When Life Gives You Rocks, Throw Them At Its Face

**Author's Note:**

> Never touch things you can't identify in the woods.

When Tsukasa opened his eyes, he noted with more than a little disappointment that his head felt far too heavy. 

"The human brain only weighs about 3 lbs." he thought, taking a deep breath, which turned out to be a mistake because everything smelled like the worst strain of weed, the kind of rank cat-piss smelling crap only Hyoga would smoke, except 100 times worse. 

Something was wrong, that much was obvious, but what? Tsukasa racked his brain for an answer, closing his eyes to ignore the weird purple glow on everything so he could focus on trying to remember what happened. Little by little, as bits and pieces of disjointed memories pieced themselves together in his mind, he made a mental journey to the past-about 12 and a half hour ago, to be exact. 

One day, he was out hunting, as the Empire of Might needed extra food. Everything was pretty normal until-

"Ugh, my head." Tsukasa noted that when that certain piece of his memory resurfaced in his mind, a sharp pain shot behind his eyes. Despite the momentary pain, however, Tsukasa realized he needed to solve the mystery of what led him to being in his current situation so he dove deeper into his memories, seeking the answers he was more than a little afraid of finding. 

When he saw something shaped like a face on the ground, Tsukasa thought as he traveled through the haphazardly connected pieces of his memories, his first thought was that it was another petrified person, but the real answer was something far more mysterious. 

Ah, yes, that was where it all went wrong, then, Tsukasa noted with an increasing sense of horror creeping up on him as he waded through the fog of his hazy barely joined together memories-in that moment, he recalled finding it lying on the ground, noting that it was the same general shape as a human face. Therefore, assuming it was part of a petrified person, he walked over to investigate, only to find that not only was it not a person, it was a mask, specifically a mask that looked like it belonged to a vampire, with weird pointed teeth in the mouth area and a large, intricate red jewel that rested squarely in the middle of the forehead of the mask. 

"What the hell, who made this? It looks like a vampire, but vampire don't exist, that's ridiculous." Tsukasa recalled thinking when he bent down to pick up the mask. 

When he touched it, that was-without moving a muscle, Tsukasa internally shuddered at the memory-that was the mistake, he realized too late to help him in the slightest when the mask seemed to come to life, leaping onto his face and gluing itself on there before he could react, stabbing his brain through his skull. The pain was the first and last thing he remembered after, recalling how he crumpled to the ground holding his head and screaming. Only now when he looked back on it did he realize that the reason no one heard him was because the mask smothered his screams of agony. 

"Oh God..." Tsukasa's thoughts hopped on a train ride straight to hell as memories of the agonizing pain that burned hotter than ten billion suns tormented him. For a while, how long he couldn't say, Tsukasa was lost in a world only he had any knowledge of, consumed by nothing but re-living that moment where he burned like ten billion dying stars all at once and every millimeter of his body shattered, only to-only to-

As he made his way through the hazy fog of his memories, Tsukasa recalled that after the pain-there was an after, he could only guess, as he was still breathing. Yes, he was still alive, he told himself, noticing that his chest rose and fell just like it always did. That's it, nice and steady, you got this, he told himself, managing to succeed for a little while, or at least until he heard a soft sigh and felt a small, curvy female form press against him.  
Tsukasa wasn't even brave enough to open his eyes until a familiar voice, one that he recognized belonged to the pretty, slim reporter he had revived a few weeks ago, who sighed as she buried her face in his bare chest. 

"Oh, guess I'm naked." Tsukasa thought, his pulse and blood pressure increasing as he became acutely aware of how his body was reacting, realizing that there were very few logical reasons why that would be the case. 

"Oh, Tsuaksa, you're awake already? You were so energetic last night I was afraid when you passed out that you went in a coma or something. But I'm just glad you're awake now, dear." she told him, squeezing him harder, or at least as hard as her small arms would allow her to. "I don't know what got into you, but I haven't had a night like that in, well, ever." 

"What the hell did I do." Tsukasa's thoughts crawled into a dark hole, realizing with a creeping sense of horror that, considering she was also naked, he had most definetely fucked her last night. "I hope I didn't do anything else reckless..." he thought, hoping against all hope that that was where his impulsive, risky behavior ended. 

"Hey, Tsukasa...." another familiar female voice rang in his ear as he noticed-Oh God, what the hell did I do? Tsukasa froze as Homura cluctched his leg, her hand resting far too close to what was in between his legs for comfort. "What on earth got into you last night? I never thought you were that type, but you really surprised us." 

Sudden crushing horror hit him like a truck as the implications of his current situation set in. 

He....he.....

No, he thought....he couldn't have....he would never...

But what if....what if he.....

"Fuck, don't tell me...I...I...." Tsukasa thought, tensing up like he had just seen a train wreck, almost too terrified to allow his thoughts to continue. "I didn't....Goddammit, be a man and face the facts, you disgusting wretched coward, I took-" 

"I raped you, didn't I?... I can't-I-I'm" Tsukasa continued, bile rising in his throat at the thought of what he did until to his shock, the two women lying next to him just held him tighter.

"Rape? What're you talking about, sweetie? You can't rape the willing-" Minami purred in his ear, her hand running down his perfectly muscled chest and his perfectly toned abs, Tsukasa noticing that he was, er, noticing the way her perky breasts felt pressed against his body way, way too much, while Homura continued stroking his leg way, way too fondly. "But you can certainly give them a pleasant surprise." 

"Oh, Tsukasa, I had no idea men could even do the things you did to us..." Homura sighed, her voice oddly hazy and slurred, like they were all in some bizzare hyper-realistic dream. 

"Don't you dare..." Tsukasa told himself when he realized how hard he was, doing his best to resist the wonderfully and horribly attention-grabbing temptation literally on either side of him. "Now's not the time to kill time with cute girls, you're trying to figure out what happened with the mask-ugh, my head...." With the wheels in his head spinning into overdrive, Tsukasa drummed up an incredible amount of willpower and headed on to enact the next phase of his master plan to solve his problem. 

"Would you two excuse me for a moment, I'm going to grab another blanket." Tsukasa told them, exhausting 99% of his willpower in order to free himself from the very pleasant trap he had found himself in the middle of. 

"Ugh, maybe if-" Tsukasa's thoughts were interrupted yet again when he barely managed to avoid biting his own tongue off after noticing that he had almost stepped on a naked Yuzuriha who was passed out on the floor.  
"I really did some shit last night..." Tsukasa internally moaned, pressing his palm against his forehead after throwing on his robe. "Please don't wake up for another 10 seconds-" Tsukasa silently begged her as he made a quick change of plans, preparing to run for it. 

"Where are you going?" Homura asked him when he stood still for a moment too long. 

"Uh, I just remembered, I have to wash my face." he blurted out, dashing out of his den quicker than a flash of lightning. 

For a few moments after, Tsukasa thought he was safe, or at least lucky enough to be alone so he could re-trace his steps back to the location where he found the mask without being bothered until the sound of oddly soft crying violently shattered his hopes in 2 seconds flat. 

"Nikki, is something wrong?" Tsukasa asked her when he saw her sobbing in a corner.

It took even more willpower for Tsukasa not to smash his own head against a rock until he could free himself from his no-longer mortal coil (not that he realized it at the time,) when Nikki responded by turning to face him fast enough to give a less physically well-conditioned woman whiplash. 

"Oh, I don't know, maybe I'm just upset because I told myself I was saving myself for when I meet the love of my life and I got drunk and let you take my virginity and then you turned around and fucked all the other women here before I even had time to put my clothes back on!" 

Tsukasa wordlessly sucked his teeth, his eyes widening for a fraction of a second in near-immediate horror.  
No longer than a horribly silent moment later, Tsukasa turned and ran and a handful of seconds later, he found himself trying to sneak out of his own empire when Ukyo, who was sitting in a tree, greeted him like nothing was wrong. 

"Hey, good morning, Tsukasa!" 

"How many girls did I...Oh God, what am I turning into-" Tsukasa's turned to look at Ukyo when the much smaller man interrupted his internal monologue, spinning around so fast his head would have fallen off if that bizzare mask hadn't attached itself to his face the day before. 

"Good morning." Tsukasa replied just to be polite. "I'm going hunting, so tell everyone not to look for me."  
"Huh? Why?" Ukyo asked, cocking his head to the side in confusion. "Last night you brought back enough food to last us for the rest of the year. You even killed a whale with your bare hands-well, one hand,at least." 

"Okay, this is just weird..." Tsukasa thought, debating whether to smash his head against a large rock or to smash his head against a larger rock to see how soon it would take him to wake up from this nightmare. 

"What, don't you remember, one of the girls asked how you did it, so you pointed to your arm and lifted her while she held onto it like you were lifting a dumbbell." He paused for a moment, shifting position so he could sit more comfortably. "You know, I always got the impression you were popular with the ladies, but I didn't think you were that much of a lady-killer. If I didn't normally sleep up here, I don't think I would have slept for a millisecond last night-I don't know what you did to them but they sure seemed to like it if what Yo and Hyoga were complaining about was true." 

For the first time in his life, Tsukasa actually heard himself blink, and he wasn't about to ask what it meant. 

"Forget about what I said about hunting." Tsukasa told Ukyo, ignoring the confused look on his subordinate's face. "I'll just look around to see if I can scavenge any more supplies. There's plenty of stuff we need besides food." 

Ukyo made no remark when Tsukasa sped off quicker than a bullet, adjusting his hat so it covered his eyes so he could go back to sleep again. "What a weird place this new stone world is." he thought before falling asleep. 

Tsukasa ran, faster than he ever recalled being possible even for him, so fast he was almost unable to stop himself when he reached the spot where he found the bizarre mask. 

"I can't believe it-" he thought, just as a certain someone said the exact same words. 

Tsukasa's face when he turned around showed a cross between shock, confusion, and horror when he saw Hyoga, holding his spear like he meant to throw it at him while he stared him down. 

"You know, I thought maybe you weren't full of shit after all after a while." Hyoga started, his voice all but painting a picture of his contempt for the man who revived him. "But it turns out you were really even worse than I thought." 

"What are you talking about?" Tsukasa asked him, but Hyoga didn't bother to acknowledge his remark, continuing on as if Tsukasa said nothing at all. 

"You claimed you only wanted to bring back pure-hearted people and live in a world without greed but all you did was revive pretty girls so you could pass around STD's like a bad cold and show off your ridiculous strength so people will kiss your ass." Hyoga muttered, his voice growing angrier by the second. "You're a despicable person, whoever-or I should say, whatever-you are, and I'm not about to let a crazed lunatic like you rule this world. I don't know if this can even kill you but no way in hell am I going to let myself say I didn't at least try, you repulsive, obnoxious, egotistical scum." 

Just as Hyoga threw his spear at him and Tsukasa caught it, however, a strange rumbling sound filled the air, the earth shaking under them, which they both realized too late was because they were right near an active volcano that was just starting to erupt. 

"Damn you!" Hyoga yelled as Tsukasa, who happened to be standing a little closer to the volcano, disappeared from Hyoga's sight. "Damn you, you bag of day old dried-out dog shit! 

_______

When Tsukasa woke up for the second time after the bizarre mask had attached itself to his face and stabbed his brain, he found himself on a dusty red patch of land that was just as dusty and just as red as the rest of the land around it as far as he could see. The sun seemed too far away and the sky seemed too red and too dark at the same time, and he found himself wishing he had bothered to put on the lion pelt he wore over his robe when he put on his robe earlier that morning. 

Before he could say or do anything, however, he was greeted by an odd, almost disturbingly familiar face, and not just because despite the recent gaps in his memory, he knew he had never met this man-or rather, this man and his 35 other identical copies-before. One of them, (which one didn't matter, Tsuaksa assumed, as they all looked exactly alike,) approached him, glaring at him with obvious annoyance. 

"Uh, who are you, and what exactly do you want from me?" Tsukasa asked when the man gave him a dark look, shaking his head in disappointment. 

"Oh, hey, it's you. " a strange middle aged man with graying hair and glasses remarked, having seemingly popped up out of nowhere. "You grew up without a father, right?" he asked.  
"What-I mean,-why are you asking me this?" Tsukasa, barely able to keep track of what he was even trying to figure out anymore, asked in the vain hope that maybe he would actually receive a sensible answer to one of his many questions for once. 

"I'm xxxxxxxx and your mother, before she died, called and asked to be on my show to figure out who your father was, but unfortunately she died before I could get her on my show. However, I saved the voice message she left me and decided to hunt down the possible candidates the information she gave me left me to go off of and I managed to figure out who your father is." 

"Are you serious? How would you know who my father is? My mother never spoke to me or my sister about him." Tsuaksa, deciding that, at this point, he might as well forget about worrying how to figure out things like where he was or why he was there, asked with more than a little understandable skepticism. 

"Well, that's simple. From what your mother told me, I discovered that you and your sister had different fathers, so after I discovered who her father was, I was able to narrow down the possible candidates for being your father to a small list and over time, my research led me here. Thanks to the scientific knowledge I learned from an unusual man back on Earth, I was able to visit this planet and find your father." 

With that, the mystery man took out an envelope, opening it to reveal a small sheet of paper which he read off of in a monotone voice. 

"The results are in: For the case of 19 year old Shishio Tsukasa, Kars, all 36 of you, you are the father." He then handed the envelope, paper and all, to Tsukasa as if he had just mentioned something about the weather. "You can keep this if you want, I'll leave you all to have your family reunion." 

Tsukasa, along with the 36 strange men who were, apparently, all his father at the same time, didn't even notice the mystery man disappear, but that didn't stop the 36 men, who, apparently, all shared the same name, from giving Tsukasa a disappointed look, until one of them, who looked no different from the rest, approached him.  
"Listen." Kars (whoever he was, Tsukasa thought, still not sure what to make of whatever the fuck just happened,) told him. "I'm not paying child support and this planet doesn't have enough oxygen for all of us, so one of us is going to have to go. As much as we'd like to go back to Earth and reign supreme over all the other idiotic life forms there, we can only send one of us back, and every time we've tried to go back ourselves, someone gets frozen into a rock in space until they crash land back here, so the only choice here is you. " 

"Oh, alright then." Tsuaksa replied, as calm on the outside as he was screaming on the inside (from nothing but pure confusion at this point.) "Send me back then." he paused for a moment before one of them picked him up to throw him back. "I'm not calling any of you dad though, I don't care what that DNA test said." 

"Good, because none of us asked." Kars (whoever the fuck he was,) replied before growing wings, flying up to the top of the planet's atmosphere, and throwing Tsukasa in the direction of Earth at a velocity that would have killed an ordinary person. 

"Ah, well, even if we never stuck around to raise him, he seems like he turned out to be a good kid." Kars number 14 said. 

"Yeah, I wouldn't disagree." Kars number 22 replied. "I bet he'll do a great job of taking care of things down there." 

______  
epilogue: 

Tsukasa, who had been thrown into outer space and towards Earth so fast that time went backwards, happened to land on Ibara just before the creepy Jafar ass looking look-alike could petrify the actual head of Treasure Island, killing the creepy Jafar ass looking look-alike right on impact, resulting in Tsukasa being given the position of the new head of Treasure Island and all the women between the ages of 18 and 55 willingly giving themselves to him without being asked, and Tsukasa went down in the history of the stone world as not only creating and ruling two separate kingdoms but also safeguarding the petritifaction device until a certain vegetable-haired scientist discovered Treasure Island and the two reached a mutually satisfying compromise in which they revived all the decent people and brought the world back to the modern age minus nuclear weapons, home owners associations, and golf and everyone lived happily ever after, albeit not all at the same time.


End file.
